For christmas Brandon bought me the book multiple blessings by Kate Gosselin and her friend Beth. I've been anticipating this book for long time and was so excited to finally get in my cozy jammies and read it. I can not explain to you how much this book touched me. I feel guilty for ever complaining about having twins and having to take care of them alone during the day. I've been struggling for quite a while now with coming to terms that I'm a mother. I guess I've always had a go get em attitude and expected to be doing somthing different at this point in my life. Finishing school has been always on my mind- feeling like a failure for not being done already- and sadly watching as my friends were graduating and getting jobs- don't get me wrong I wouldnt trade moving to canada for anything but sometimes I just wanted to scream- hey I'm smart and educated and I want to finish- they just won't let me. On top of this I still don't know what to do with my life. I'm now a permanent resident of canada and the boys are almost one- making it easier for me to start school again. I'm finishing my degree just to have a degree-( which alone feels like I'm failing again doing it online- but it just makes more sense this way- I just hate taking the easy road) I see how immature that sounds but its truly how I feel. I believe its important but I cant decide the emphasis -unfortunatley you can only pick from 4 majors when you finish online and nothing seems to suit me. I guess I just need to pick something and go with it. I know that what I do will probablly require additional training-man school lasts forever- but it is very important to me to feel sucessful. Like I did it -and I'm good at my talents. Having my boys was a hard adjustment with control- I love being in control of every little thing. I feel a lot like kate in that it wasnt quite what I was planning on happening to me. Like other people are first and what I want is always on the back burner. After reading this book it became apparent to me that it's god's timing. That I'm doing something sucessful. But that I need to do what he wants before I can do what I want. That he loves me and will make sure my prayers are answered-that I need to give and realize god will always give more back to me. In so many ways this book has answered my prayers and helped with my jumbled brain of confusion and heartache. Teaching me to appreciate the little moments and that the answers to life will come . To not worry about my career right now-he'll show me what I need to do- he'll fill my well strengthen me on the hard days and bring me unexplainble joy through my boys. Just work on my school and he'll fill in the gaps. I just need to trust him and relinquish control. I'm greatful for her insight and open honsty. My life will have answers but I need to listen to what he wants and when.
At times I've felt so guilty for the concern I feel having the baby before graduating. I feel like I'm missing out on teaching which I love, that it will be hard to finish, feelings of guilt having to leave that baby with strangers and guilt not bringing in money. I hope things will be different when the baby comes but I've been struggling with fears of inadequacy as a future mother. Am I good enough for this baby, why am I so lucky and others arent, yet I feel so much fear. I feel like I've gotten to do so much then I see my friends continuing to do those things and here I am about to dedicate my life to motherhood. I've just been really afraid and feeling selfish and inadequate. Thanks for posting and making me feel not so alone. I know it will be different once the baby comes and that I really don't have much room to talk cause I just DON'T KNOW what will happen or what I will feel but its nice to know I don't have to be perfect and that someone else can admit their fears. thanks bree!
ReplyDeleteBree, i know how you are feeling!! I wouldn't trade my kids for anything now that they are in my life but I have days where it is hard and I have felt like a failure. And now I am back in school but that is a sacrifice to leave my family 15 hours a week. But things like school are important and temporary and will bless my and my family's life. Timing does have a lot to do with it!! And I have been wanting to read Kate's book...so now I might just go out and buy it real soon!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good luck with everything, you are an amazing woman and I know you will be able to accomplish the things you want in time!! Motherhood is rewarding but it is hard work and can be frustrating at times! Just keep on keeping on, girl!
Hi Bree, I came across your blog, and just wanted to say, that isn't Jan 1st, a great way to really reflect on life!! Good for you to have dreams and goals, and to work on them! An online course, is no easy way, it takes hard work and dedication!! I never quite finish nursing, but I did my early childhood education, and yes, at times, I think I wish I finished it, I know now, that for me, I have tons of more things, I want to learn instead! One of my friends, has a quote from her ancestor Hannah, she was outside doing laundry and thinking" I guess I am good for nothing but to take care of little children." Right beside me I heard a voice say, "Do you know that if you teach your children and bring them up acceptable before the Lord you will accomplish one of the greatest works a woman ever performed on the earth?" I said, "With the help of the Lord I will do the best I can." You are no failure. Anyways, I enjoyed getting to know you in the old cranston ward! Chris
ReplyDelete