I feel like my brain is taking me in a million different directions and what I want to do vs what I'm supposed to do, has been on my mind a lot. I've been debating shutting down my etsy shop for some time now..to try new things, to have some freetime again, to be less cranky with my kids because I'm actually getting some sleep, because my kids are what really matter to me the most. But I'm worried if I loose my shop I lose a part of me, I feel like I've poured my soul into my work its what's helped me get through all the crappy things that have happened to me this year I will honestly say this has been the toughest year I think I've ever had, even worse than when my sisters passed away. And the reason I'm still standing has been my shop, its been my best friend my solace on nights where I just wept, an outlet to turn my anger and sadness into something positive, and I'm scared of losing that friend the one who didn't judge the one that just listened to my heart. And being back to the place ..of not really knowing who I am or what I want to be.
( I don't like that place)
Also I'm starting to hate social media..I feel like it occupies my time and I feel I cant say certain things for fear of being looked at bad-even blogging i feel im censored. this whole service thing im worried about people thinking I'm doing it for the sake of praise- which isnt so I just wanted to teach my kids how to serve..and share what we did. But I'm so concerned about what everyone thinks that its hurting me. I actually just dont want that feeling in my life, like everything I do is being watched- but it helps with business and being an outlet to me and a personal history of my life- I have a love hate relationship with it,but somewhere deep down I know I don't need it in my life. But I'm not sure I could give it up. Someone tell me why we feel like we have to walk on eggshells and never voice our opinions..lately all I've wanted to do is just voice my opinion, actually get angry,( I had a dear friend tell me it really ok to feel the things we need to feel..heavenly father gave us emotions..so we could feel them.) but its so uncomfortable for me and I don't want to make waves that I hold it all back...and it just feels like my brain cant hold anymore. I'm at a crossroads, but I'm scared at what's ahead and If I can find myself without my shop.